Internal Conflict

On a slightly more serious note. My feelings about leaving Turkey are much like those about when we left Philadelphia in September. I spoke about it, I knew it was coming, I was on the rail of how much I wanted it to happen, but the reality never hit me. Jasmine and Dad leaving this morning (literally minutes before I am writing this) helped to make the reality hit home.

This morning I woke up at 4 am, I don't know how, but somehow my body must have known that that was the time that my dad was getting up to get ready. In the time between waking up and actually getting up I simply thought. To be thoroughly honest there is no word in my vocabulary to describe my thoughts, bittersweet could be used but something more powerful is necessary. Now that we are close to the end, I can't wait to go home, I miss Philadelphia, I miss the U.S., I miss Diesel, I miss my friends, and I want to go back. The conflict is that I always knew, and know now that I am going to go back and live that life again, I am never, going to get to live in Turkey again. And for all our complaining and whining, I love Turkey, but another thing that Turkey has taught me is that I love Philadelphia too. 

I can't find a fitting analogy for the conflict I feel. I never actually visualized going back to Philadelphia, but this morning I did, and I want to go back. I want to go lie down on our nice big couch in front of our nice big T.V. with our nice big dog right next to me. At the same time I just don't want to leave, I want to stay right here in the nice big apartment, in our little and not so nice (but still comforting) kitchen, with a nice big loaf of fresh bread we get every morning. 

Because these are our last couple of days in Turkey I am going to begin a series of goodbye blogs, despite the fact that I don't necessarily want to leave.

-Sam